It has been a while

The end of the season has petered out to usher in silly season. Except a level of calm has to underpin the mood of potential decadence and opulence, due to the important matter of the World Cup. This has left the hacking media short of anything to report.


Much like the News of the World and their Fake Sheikh, the hacks again showed Cesc Fabregas a picture of Barcelona and said "do you love home?". He replied yes. "Why don't you move there then?". "I hope to one day", he replied. This became a massive story, the only story.

There are several reasons for this. The main one must stem from UEFA's new legislation on club finances. With Barca 420 million Euros in debt, they have made contact with Cesc and told him unless he comes now, they will not be able to bid for him in the next 3 seasons. They will be forced to pay off debts and run their club in a sensible manner. This is akin to Mel Gibson drinking for 10 men and then fighting, fucking and resisting arrest and blaming the Jews for anything bad in the world. Then after checking himself into rehab, he comes out after a period of time that he thinks is acceptable and says, "I'm sorry I screwed up. Lessons have been learned and I want to get on with my work and life to make up for lost time and poor behaviour. Please take me seriously world!?"

Well OK Mel and Barca, you made mistakes and a period of Protestant Ethics is upon us. But not until one last big splurge. I can imagine Barca trying to explain to Cesc, who is in no way unintelligent, that Spain is in a fiscal hell and will be readdressing everything from the public and private sector, right down to the tax system for Special Peoples. If he doesn't sign now, instead of 16%, he will have to pay 40% or more tax and they won't be able to afford his salary. Furthermore, the debts they have will have to be refinanced by banks who cannot afford to borrow from their European counterparts owing to Spains' debunked credit rating.

So Cesc, who is still not unintelligent, is sitting there staring in disbelief as Barca officials tell him that if he signs, everything will be good for a few months at least. But then it will become potentially difficult and he might need to renegotiate his contract.

Then he flies back to London to speak with Wenger who has a degree in Economics and follows the world's financial plight very carefully. This is the man who predicted a period of bust for football and underlined the unsustainable nature of not only the Premier League, but also subscription television's role in the planned outgoings of the average John Smith. Something had to give, and gived out it did!!!

So Wenger tells Cesc that Barca are right. This is the only time they can really buy him for the next 3 years. He underlines how right he was to be football's Moses as he leads the leagues into the emancipated land of austerity. And Cesc, who is not unintelligent weighs this all up and says, "You are a smart man and obviously right - but what about winning things?"

Wenger says, "I thought you'd ask that. Well you see we have won in some ways. Football is a sport and a business and we have played the financial markets well in selling our land and building in a time of limited boom. We secured a long term loan at a rate that would never be offered to any team again in the history of humanity and money lending and that in itself should be celebrated like a World Cup Final win. Then, we have the top 3 finish. This is good. Then we have Abou Diaby who will be the most underrated, yet effective player at the world cup. This is good for business and football Cesc."

"But France are crap!?"

"Yes but they will play an effective system that will allow his real skills to be on show"

"But you don't do this with Arsenal"

"No but then I can't"

"Why not boss?"

"Because with you in the team it makes it very difficult to play 4-4-2 or 4-3-2-1"

"So I should leave?"

"No"

"Abou should leave?"

"Cesc this is not about leaving or staying, nor is it about playing or winning"

"What is it about?"

"Well in the most simple terms, it is about convincing those who doubt you, to understand the ephemeral and fickle nature of doubt and its transient disease-like whimsy"

"Oh?"

"Yes, you see psychologically, winning is detrimental to your hunger as a 'winner'"

"Ah..."

"So though we in sport all really want to win, it is the cost of winning that makes people take chances like in gambling"

"Don't you have to take a gamble to win?"

"Yes, you do. But once you have 'won' per se, you have to start considering what the biggest awards are and then an arrogance and complacency sets in which tempers one's quest to win all that is on offer"

"And this is not good?"

"No. Mainly because you try to consolidate and this is based on spending to remain strong, or spending to replace those who lose their strength and hunger"

"So this is why you only sign players you already own?"

"Exactly!"

"So then what?"

"Well this is where the real gamble comes in"

"What is that?"

"Well once in a while, you will sign a player who will change the perception of your team in the eyes of the opposition. This player will be a top, top player and have an aura that affects the game plan of the opposition. When you have one of those players, you can effectively 'remortgage' your style and brand."

"Does that mean me?"

"Yes"

"Does that mean that you have to sell me?"

"Possibly but not necessarily. It could mean that I sell the idea of you"

"To who?"

"To Barcelona"

"So Barcelona will buy the idea of me"

"Exactly. They don't need you yet. But they do have pressing issues with impending financial restrictions, so as a compromise, I am working on selling them the idea of you"

"Who do I then play for?"

"Who would you like to play for?"

"I would like to play for both clubs, but I have already played a lot for Arsenal and we have won nothing"

"Exactly, and you are our marquee player which is why Barca have their doubts and are equally interested in the idea of you as opposed to having you outright"

"So I am not very good?"

"No you are very good. The team around you needs to improve"

"How does that happen?"

"This is not your concern"

"So what should I do?"

"Go to the World Cup and play as well as you can. Don't think about Arsenal or Barcelona, or the idea of yourself. Be in the now and challenge the opposition to recognise your effect"

"OK"

"Leave the rest to me. It is a challenge but one I am up for. I will sell the idea of you and maybe the promise too if they will pay enough. But at the same time I do not like the idea of spending beyond your means, so Barca have to offer a lot of money, but at the same time not too much or I won't approve"

"That is complicated and not my concern"

"Exactly"

And so Cesc returns to Spain and preparation for the World Cup. He takes a press conference and suggests that he had the best conversation he has ever had with anyone. He will leave all in the hands of Wenger, who as we see has a plan.

In short Abou Diaby is the key to Cesc's future. If he can pass a bit better, then Cesc can go. If not, then the idea of Cesc going remains. If there is relative success for France, then the promise of Cesc is pledged to Barca with the idea and possibly the player to follow.

So Cesc, who is not unintelligent is comfortable with that scenario and is able to enjoy the emotional and financial emancipation of having not had to ask for a transfer.

This conversation both increased and decreased the fluctuating value of the player as there must be more than one price in total. And who do we have to thank for this, the News of the World. They did not create the story but instead paved the way for the universal simulacra that is the football industry.

There can be nothing to celebrate when victory is so short lived. It is meaning that Wenger wants to recreate and Cesc understands this. Beauty is the simulation and convergence of all positive ideas dancing in time with each other. No matter how briefly. A piece of silver to commemorate this is as crass as Gerald Ratner agreeing that his produce is 'crap'.

It is the insatiable need to dine on this crap that makes football so enjoyable and confusing. But the real truth is in the thrill of the chase. A football match as we all know is only 2/3 of the time in play and most of that play is largely boring and ineffective.

So what happens if you make that bit interesting without caring too much for the result?

And thus was born Wenger's Arsenal. Get on board or turn over.

End of season blues

Did anyone notice how depressed Wenger was in the post match interviews?

Yet again he had to justify himself, answering the same questions he has since Arsenal began to collapse a month ago. It was as if it were a series of questions too far.

Why do you think that is? There were banners out that called for money to be spent, or to sod off. There was a lovely banner which said 'Wenger don't be a buffoon, sign Buffon" The former banner was confiscated by the stewards at half time, the New Labour Hall of Football cannot possibly allow complaints.

The match was an aside. Fulham had other things on their mind and Arsenal slaughtered them. Game over.

Then we had a miserable parade, lead by a very forlorn Fabregas, who, according to Gulliem Ballague is to leave for Barca by the end of May. Wow. That is a quick transfer even by our standards. That would complete a turnaround of denials and rejections that undermine the process of loving the badge to a new level.

Personally, I think Fabregas should go. Barca are too reliant on Xavi and he doesn't score enough for club or country. It makes sense and Barca need freshening up. Arsenal need a new change that Wenger will not bring about. However, if it is forced on him, then we could see a return to the strength, speed and skill that was so prevalent in the 2004 team. Cesc is a wonderful player and I hope we keep him, but I would not be gutted if he left. It is good business and Wenger will be forced to spend and buy two for the price of one.

Nonetheless, a clear-out is what the moody parade highlighted. The walk of shame was compounded by the likes of Almunia, Rosicky, Eduardo, Vela as well as Silvestre's and Gallas' absence. The only highlight was Eboue and RVP getting the plaudits they mostly deserve. Saying that, RVP cannot play more than half a season and cannot be relied upon. Vela was the sole reason that Wenger did not spend the money from Adebayor. Vela played 1 start and scored 1 goal. That is good business!!!??? Please.

Wenger is holding the club to ransom. They cannot imagine a club without his prudence. He won't sign a contract until he 'feels the love' again. But at the same time, the fans vote with their feet and the stadium was half empty for the 'lap of appreciation'. It was shocking but that seemed to be a fair reflection of the capitulation of the club. They can stave it off until later and later but it will still come and still be devastating to their chances of success. There were so many empty seats and boxes during the game. "Signings or sign off" and that upset Arsene. A lot.

3rd place according to the manager is a trophy. Arsenal are in a state of atrophy as the try to tread water without feeding the muscle base.

I am truly excited about the World Cup and hope I have time to write about players I have never seen before and look at in more detail. It is always false as players can peak at the major tournaments and never transfer that performance level into regular play. Toto Schillachi anyone? Poborsky? Gascoigne?

Anyway, Arsenal have come up short and have run out of excuses for now. A few characters and some experience could rejuvenate a squad which is not missing much. Even a trade involving Fabregas might dispel a few myths about over reliance on the one man a la Henry. Arshavin can go to Barca as part of that deal too. He can take his freakish Russian website with him and get it translated into Spanish. Then when he insults the women, cooking, manager, sun and size of the beaches, we can all pay no attention because we will never know. He is the Marcel Duchamp of football. Genius, clown, fuckwit and a little legacy.

I have to renew my season ticket soon. I am going to leave this until the last to see who we sign. If I am unimpressed, I may forgo Arsenal and concentrate on being a human for a bit. It is a strange thought and choice, but faced with the impending nature of tomorrow, coupled with the permanence of breathing, it is only likely that we will sign free or cheap youths and the so called quality will be for Wenger to enjoy on his own at the training ground.

If you picture a naked Wenger on a throne at training (nice image), in front of a huge frame cinema screen - with Diaby, Denilson, Vela, Almunia, Fabianski, Sagna, Traore, Rosicky, Merida, Eduardo, Silvestre and Senderos immediately behind it, all playing no opposition beautifully, against a green screen/pitch with Pat Rice and Boro Primorac furiously running CGI all over the shop, deleting the ball or any evidence of poor footwork. THAT is the training Wenger takes week in, week out.

Opposition got a big centre forward? "Don't worry boss, we'll just make the pitch lower down on the screen and increase Fabianski's height using After Effects. Problems with long throws? "We don't need to worry as this software never crashes boss - we will increase the head size of all our players"

Keep missing obvious chances to shoot? "Don't freeze your nuts off boss, we can increase the size of their feet, the size of the goal and slow down play using the special Jamie Redknapp 'He Can Quite LIterally Stop Time: Michael Chopra' filter"

Oh fuck off Dan. Bring on the World Cup.

Let's just merge with Barcelona

Let's just merge with Barca. With the latest players to be linked with a move from Arsenal to the Camp Nousance, why don't we just become their new B team but in the premiership? We could be called 'B' Arsen Loner. Then when RVP or AA or GC or CF have a good game, they can just get flown to Spain to train/play/sing with the A team.

This way, all the papers, TV channels and stupid blogs like mine can all go fuck ourselves in some coffee stained, b/o stenched, whiskey and vindaloo sting-ringing, pencil shaving hack dandruff and mouldy crumb keyboard infested makeshift meta-bed. An orgy of mindless and spineless "I told you so" cock stabbing, designed to vindicate all, and at the same time render each fuck buddy unemployed in an orgasm of euphoric self-affirmation gorging each other's ability to predict the bleeding meaningless and pathetically obvious.

We could place the Emirates so smoothly on top of Camp Nou like some two tier wedding cake of cunts.

Would that solve the fucking problem? Take the money out of the media and you might be afflicted with the horrid condition of Honesty and Boredom. Fancy that!!!? Then what?

Fuckers.